3.05.2008

Onion reads!

Cleaning out some good Onion reads from the last few weeks ...

Big Game Coming Up

The Onion


Big Game Coming Up


NEW YORK—A major contest between two high-quality teams in a major sport is scheduled to take place in the immediate future, multiple media...


Canseco: Hey Guys, Who Wants To Come To My Big Steroid Party This Weekend?

The Onion


Canseco: 'Hey Guys, Who Wants To Come To My Big Steroid Party This Weekend?'


MIAMI—Former MLB star and admitted steroid user Jose Canseco extended an informal invitation Monday to over 500 current and former professional baseball players, requesting their presence at his house this coming weekend for his annual...


The Onion


Bush Vows To Make It Up To Country Somehow


WASHINGTON—Amid allegations that his thoughtless and insensitive decisions have damaged his relationship with the nation, President George W. Bush vowed Monday that he would, starting now, "make everything better."


Mattress Store Experiments With Non-Blowout Sale

The Onion


Mattress Store Experiments With Non-Blowout Sale


RICHMOND, VA—Customers were assured they would get a pretty good deal on a brand-name mattress. Not an out-of-this-world, unheard-of deal. But pretty good.


Nations Women Thank <i>Sports Illustrated</i> For Helping Them Make Well-Informed Swimsuit Choices

The Onion


Nation's Women Thank Sports Illustrated For Helping Them Make Well-Informed Swimsuit Choices


NEW YORK—Weeks after their 2008 swimsuit issue hit newsstands, Sports Illustrated continues to be deluged with mail from appreciative...


Patriots Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation

The Onion


Patriots' Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation


FOXBOROUGH, MA—As the once-invincible, still-insufferable Patriots attempt to come to grips with their 17-14 Super Bowl loss to the Giants, the death of their dream to go undefeated, and the possible end of their dynasty, almost every other...



The Onion

Nation's Presidential Assassins Still Undecided


NEW YORK— As evidenced by the hundreds of newspaper clippings of various presidential candidates glued to his bedroom walls and ceiling, Vietnam veteran Dale Patrick Seaver, 52, is clearly an informed voter. But after watching over 50 debates, countless speeches, and nonstop campaign coverage at "all hours of the night," this presidential assassin has not yet decided who his choice will be in November...

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