B.J. Novak Admits to 1997 Prank on Museum of Fine Arts

I love a good, clever, harmless prank. To imagine B.J. Novak pulling this off makes it even more worthwhile. This story had me laughing out loud as I read it ...

In case you're curious, here's a link to the original article from The Boston Globe.

How babies are made: The 21st century version

This one was forwarded to me this week by my friend Gina ...

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and Googled each other. There, your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said ... 'You got male!' "

Overheard

In our newsroom today ...

My cohort, Laura (singing): Bless the beasts and the chil-he-dren.

Me: Ok, that's enough Karen.

My cohort John: Yeah, go eat something.

And in a fire station I was visiting today ...

A firefighter: Hey, do you know why Chicago didn't get the Olympics? ... Because Chicago doesn't win anything in October.

Ha ha.

Random thoughts from people our age

So my friend Ed sent this list of "Random Thoughts From People Our Age" ...

As I read some of these lines out loud to Kates it was amusing to note how many of them we could relate to and we agreed with. Some of them kept us laughing for awhile ...

I have no idea who wrote these, but they're pretty great observations. Here are our favorites ...

• I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.



• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.



• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.



• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.



• That's enough, Nickelback.



• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.



• Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?



• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no Internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.



• There is a great need for sarcasm font.



• How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?



• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.



• Was learning cursive really necessary?



• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?



• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!



• Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using "as in ..." examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes, that's G as in... (10 second lapse) ...um ...Goonies."



• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it ... thanks Mario Kart.



• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.



• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.



• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.



• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.



• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.



• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.



• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my 10-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.



• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.



• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.



• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

29 lines to make you smile

My friend Liz sent these. Some of them are pretty good ...

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; he made so many!
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate now!
19. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Math lesson

Our friend Pamela passed this on ... Good stuff.

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.

His parents had tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it already?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Two guys from Chicago

My cohort Brian sent this last week ...

Two guys from Chicago die and wake up in Hell.

The next day, the Devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.The Devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

The Devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Chicago and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The Devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Chicagoans reply, 'Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Chicago, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

The Devil is absolutely furious. He decides to turn all the heat in Hell off.The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail or moan. The Devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Chicagoans. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.

The Devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Chicagoans look at the Devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know? If Hell froze over, that must mean one thing -- the Cubs won the World Series!"

Grease Babies

Phoebe's daycare provider sent this to us recently.

Funny stuff.

How to get ready for the digital switch

Ha-larious!

Women ... As Explained By Engineers

Kates sent this to me awhile ago ...

You can see more explanations here ...

Palin pranked

In case you missed this from over the weekend ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

My friend Trisha passed this on last week ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the
road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Random happenings

... Kates had an obligation at school tonight, which meant I got to pick Phoebe up from the daycare and spend the night with her ...

I had to pick up my daughter from daycare today. My daughter ... It still sounds crazy to say that.

* * *

... Here's a clever one from The Onion today ...

I almost overlooked it at first, as I typically do with most Onion stories not having to do with baseball or politics ... But I did a double-take at the headline and after thinking about the irony of it decided to click on the story ...

By the end -- with tha image of it "resting comfortably on a large rock" -- I was laughing out loud ... poor mountain lion.

Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers

* * *

This news alert came from one of my cohorts this week ...

Jets decide against keeping Brett Favre; Green Bay takes him back and trades him to Chicago. In return, Chicago is giving us back Door County , Eagle River , Minocqua, Crivitz, Rhinelander, Wisconsin Dells, and the left lane of Interstates 90, 43 and 94.

Toilet Prank

New office policies

My friend Liz sent this to me ... Classic.

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

Ways to maintain your sanity

Got this from my mother several weeks ago. It'll brighten your day too ...

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
   
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
   
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
   
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
   
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.
   
6. In the memo field of all you checks, write "For smuggling Diamonds," "Sexual Favors," "Bribe Payoff," Drug Purchase," etc...
   
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
   
8. dont use any punctuation in your emails ever
   
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
   
10. Whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face, order a diet water.
    
11. When going through the drive-through, specify that your order is "To Go."
    
12. Sing along at the opera.
    
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask "Why don't your poems rhyme?"
    
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds through your computer speakers all day.
    
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend the party they're throwing because you're not in the mood.
    
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
    
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
    
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
    
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Baby tips

My good friend Tom sent me the link to these baby tips ...

I'm hoping Kates and I know better.

Happy Easter!

A little Easter trivia passed on to me by my mother ...

Easter is early this year.

Easter is always the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20). This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify Passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar. (Although Easter was celebrated as early as the Second Century, in 325 the Council of Nicea decided on the above formula for setting the date of Easter.)

Based on the above information, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22), though that is rare.

This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives. And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old and older). And none of us have ever, or
will ever, see it a day earlier.

The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 (220 years from
now). The last time it was this early was 1913.

The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 (277 years from now). The
last time it was on March 22 was 1818.

So, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than this year.

* * *

I got this one from an office cohort: The Ultimate Peep Show ...

* * *

Finally, This comes from my aunt ...

Idiot sightings

Thanks to my mother for this one. I should also note this post for additional idiot sightings ...

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.." We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind
people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, Kan.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

God's country

My mother passed this on today ...

Terry Bradshaw was in New England to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Patriots' bench. He asked quarterback Tom Brady what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. Terry asked if he could use it. Brady replied, "Sure, but it will cost you $200." Terry scratched his head, then thought, "What the heck, I need help picking games." He pulled out his wallet and paid $200. Terry's picks were perfect that week.

The next week, Terry was in Indianapolis when he noticed that same kind of phone on the Colts bench.He asked what the telephone was for and Manning told him, "It's a hotline to God if you want to use it, it will cost you $500." Recalling the previous week, Terry pulled out his wallet without hesitation and made the call. Terry's picks were perfect again that week.

Last weekend, Terry was in Green Bay, when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Packers' bench. He asked Brett Favre, "Is that the hotline to God?" Favre said, "Yes, and if you want to use it, it will cost you 50 cents." Terry looked incredulously at Favre and said, "Wait a second, I just paid $200 in New England and $500 in Indianapolis to use the same phone to God! Why do the Packers only charge 50 cents?" Favre replied, "Because in Green Bay, it's a local call...Welcome to God's Country."